By Caitlin Knox
This Valentine’s Day I saw “Winter’s Tale.” It was a beautiful love story that brought most of my friends to tears. But there were so many parts of the movie that just…failed.
Here are a few things that bothered me (*a few tiny spoilers*):
•Russell Crowe. He plays a demon who really hated Colin Farrell. His mouth twitched into a menacing smile. He twitched so many times that after a while it became humorous. When he showed his true demon self, it was all I could do not to look away. He also sounded like he had throat cancer.
•The unicorn. There was a magical white horse. He was a guardian angel. He had rainbow wings. What?
•Stars. These were talked about constantly. I’m not sure what they were trying to tell us.
•1914-2014. Farrell’s character is stuck in New York for 100 years, and they don’t show what he was up to. All we know is he found new clothes and grew out his hair. Did it really take him that long to figure out who he was? What was he doing for 100 years?
•Blood. Crowe’s character decides to draw a painting from the blood of someone he just killed with his bare hands. I do not want to see that.
•Baby Moses. The beginning shows Peter’s parents putting baby Peter (Farrell) into a makeshift boat and dropping him into the New York harbor like Moses in the Nile.
•Fight scenes. I’m a girl, and even I thought the fight scenes were pretty lame.
•Will Smith. When Smith showed up as Lucifer, the audience laughed out loud. Crowe was scarier than the devil himself. Smith is dressed in a modern t-shirt and blazer in the early 1900s, and bares some really strange teeth when he gets upset.
•Hair. Colin Farrell could not get his hair right. It was shaved on one side, and the rest was flopping all over the place like a bad toupee.
•Lightbulbs. In Lucifer’s “office,” there are lightbulbs on a string that they are always turning on and off. Are they trying to say that Hell is a dark place?
•The end. I was longing for a reunion that would out-sap every Nicholas Sparks movie, but there was just more talking about stars.