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Caf desegregation vigilante strikes

crest-only-278x2781By Austin Fraley
Staff Writer

The culprit’s first action was done when no one was looking—moving the tables around in the caf.

From the beginning, the Desegregation Vigilante Vandal has remained unseen by the college community. Now he/she wreaks havoc by sitting at tables previously designated to different groups and forming a force field of friends around him/her, forcing them to relocate to a different sector of the caf.

A football player sitting by the Anderson side windows, a Sigma forced to sit with Pikes and God forbid the teachers being made to actually sit with the students! Madness! And all due to the simple desire of this individual to invoke chaos.

The difficulty in catching or identifying this criminal mastermind has been mainly due to social convention—it is simply too awkward to look at someone who is sitting at your table.

You cannot risk the chance that you might actually have to interact with him/her. Your social group has already been established. You’ve paid your dues, and the formation of friend groups is over. It would be too much of a hassle.

Of course, this has all been made more complex by the most recent action of the Vigilante Vandal: changing the hours of the caf.

Now, those who previously ate at different times are seeing a whole new sea of unfamiliar faces with whom to sit. Some students are simply leaving the caf, opting instead to eat out with familiar faces and (allegedly) better food, causing at once a massive emigration from the scholastic dining system, while an influx of immigrants from other eating times and different sectors and provinces of the Caf are being forced to mix and mingle with one another.

One anonymous student recalled, “I was going to sit with my friends on the Southeast side, but there were strange people there I had never seen before. We ate together side by side, never exchanging a word. It was so awkward. I don’t know why someone doesn’t do something about this.”

So many are suffering. This is a crisis that must be resolved. These are not the principles this college was founded on. These are not the principles America was founded on! What are we, some kind of “melting pot?”

No one has ever called us that. We should be left alone, and be given the right to segregate ourselves the way we want! We demand action against the Vigilante Vandal! Down with his/her regime of terror and forced camaraderie! Someone must finally see his/her face. I ask you, my fellow students, to be bold and brave and talk to him/her. Be his/her friend, so that the rest of us don’t have to be each other’s.