By Tyler Phillips
Cincinnati, Ohio resident John Smith was ecstatic last week when he picked up the September 6 issue of Time magazine. The issue, which boasted the title, “It’s Time to Pay College Athletes,” was a positive step forward in the father’s on-going attempt to provide a sustainable future for his children.
Confirming suspicions he had been banking on for years, Smith was both exuberant and relieved upon the discovery that his patented “Squats for Tots” weight training program he had crafted for his twin 3-year old sons was finally going to pay off.
The training program, which has the toddlers on a strict regimen of reps in the gym, 5-mile runs and protein shakes, was crafted especially so that his children might have a chance to succeed in America’s most lucrative career—being a professional athlete.
Smith, who played football in college on a full tuition scholarship, said that his first goal was to ensure that his twin boys were the most physically defined children on their first day of kindergarten.
“Intimidation is key.” Smith said in between monitoring the boy’s progress on the bench press. “I want their classmates to know straight away that they will never even be in the same league as my boys.”
He went on to add that he hopes“[the other students] will take one look at my boys and know that they have no chance to succeed in the business world of athleticism.”
Still, Smith admits that he is hesitant about sending his children to school in a couple of years. While he stated that he would rather keep them at home to prepare for their future, he acknowledges that school is a necessary obstacle standing between his children and the glory of being an athletic celebrity. “Colleges dig that kind of mumbo-jumbo.” he remarked during the children’s water break. “It’s unfortunate, but sometimes you just have to pay into the system to get ahead.” This setback does not stop Smith from dreaming. “I long for a day in which athletes can participate in college athletics, on a salary, without having to take classes at all. Almost like the professional leagues, but with different team names.”
While such a reality may be years away, the father of two made it clear that he was happy to see such a discussion reach the public eye. “This is what we should really be focusing on. I’m glad Time gets that.”
The interview was cut short when Smith’s wife returned home from the store, and the kids had to be snuck out of the weight room.
The toddlers declined to interview, electing for nap-time instead.
“College athletics are an integral component to campus spirit, unity and tradition. To introduce salary in the motivations of the game, is to trade this tradition for business. College athletics are at their best when pure.”