By JONATHAN KAYS
I believe there needs to be a change on Georgetown’s campus, an immediate change in leadership. As a campus community, we’ve striven through strife and struggles, searching for solutions for a sundry of squabbles. And now the time has come. But who can lead us, sexy and talented opinion writer? I’ll tell you.
I think the new president of the college should be Country Boy’s Paw Paw’s Red. Yes, thats right. An American, red amber ale aged in a 20-year -old Pappy Van Winkle Bourbon Barrel.
For a time now, the PPR election committee has been building up this socially aware party candidate at a structural level. An underground movement, the party has been meeting in rooms across campus on Friday and Saturday nights to discuss policies. Not yet willing to go public, they’ve been hiding the majority of their advertising tools and information in various refrigerators and coolers stashed in ceilings. But the movement is happening now! And so here are five principal reasons I believe that Paw Paw’s Red should be president of Georgetown College.
1) Quality. When looking for the president of an institution like Georgetown, one looks for the best. The Paw Paw’s Red combines a multitude of flavors to create a heavenly ambrosia that titillates the pallet. The smooth tawny undertones of the bourbon fuse together with the malty sweetness, forming something that tastes almost like a sweet wine. Unlike a Crouchety IPA, the Paw Paw’s Red is kind, nothing harsh, nothing unwarranted, a cool richness of fine quality.
2) Funding. If elected president of Georgetown College, the school will never again lack sufficient funds. Tuition would decrease dramatically as people would throw their money at the school. Students themselves would go out of their way to support their president and their institution. And sponsors? Sponsors would flock. Flock, I tell you.
3) Great Conversations. This writer will tell you. With Complete Sincerity. That he has never had a bad conversation when Paw Paw’s Red was involved. Not only does it make your language skills fantastic, but the intellect that this candidate provides is immeasurable. Paw Paw’s Red makes the problems in the Middle East barley problematic, North Korea’s rhetoric far from stout and the economy no lager an issue, at the very yeast, smooth ale-ing.
4) Politics. The views of Paw Paw’s Red are spectacular if not astounding. It supports buying local, with a general anti-corporation/big business mentality. It has great foreign relations, wants to get into international trade. It accepts females, males, people of African, Asian, European and American descent, gay, straight, saints, sinners, the Paw Paw’s Red is open to everyone.
5) Involvement in Student life. The PPR social party movement can assure you that if elected president, that Paw Paw’s Red would play an active role in student life, participating in GAC, SGA, GSI and above all Greek Life. A down-to-earth president who joins students as they watch movies on the lawn, play mafia and romp in the foamapalooza? Yes, please.
Hopefully, now that you understand its greatness, you will write to your local acting dean, calling for Country Boy’s Paw Paw’s Red as the future President of Georgetown College.
“Who cares how time advances? I’m drinking ale today.” -Edgar Allan Poe