By Rachael Castillo & Allie Englert
Two women without regrets
*Disclaimer: The contents of this page do interpret the views of these writers. This document, however, is satirical and should not (or should, depending on your preference) be taken literally. Consult Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” for clarity.
There once was a president of a college—let’s call him President Coriolanus Snow— who, after many years of dedicated service, decided to take his leave from the college. Before leaving, he dedicated himself to one final act of servitude to his students. Having made his final speeches and said his goodbyes, he chose to focus his attentions during his last days on his students.
“My seniors are about to embark on an exciting new beginning,” he thought to himself. “In order to commemorate their departure, I should make the start of their new lives as fresh and exciting as possible.”
So, he took it upon himself to find the most spectacular, accredited, interesting and honest speaker for that year’s commencement ceremony. President Snow visited far-off lands and distant cultures in search of the most captivating speaker. President Snow first visited Vatican City, in hopes of persuading the new Pope, Francis I, to speak. President Snow knew that Pope Francis would bring a diverse perspective to campus. Unfortunately, the Pope had already agreed to speak at the college’s rival, Transy.
Downtrodden, but not defeated, President Snow continued his search, but this time he returned to the States. When he asked his students who they might want to speak at their graduation ceremony, one student suggested the infamous Grumpy Cat. President Snow put on his best shoes and his most charming smile and asked the Grumpy Cat to speak at graduation. Grumpy Cat responded with a simple, “No.”
After receiving no further explanation from Grumpy Cat, President Snow turned his attention to his favorite TV celebrity, Honey Boo-Boo. Although Honey Boo-Boo was interested in speaking, she unfortunately had a prior engagement. Honey Boo-Boo had already entered a pageant for that weekend and, therefore, was unable to commit to speaking at commencement.
Frustrated after being turned down by so many reputable potential speakers, President Snow had the bright idea to ask the most eloquent, sophisticated, and physically fit woman he knew—Michelle Obama. Although the First Lady was honored to have been considered, she chose to speak at a neighboring school instead. Still, she promised to wave at with her finely toned arm as she passed by.
President Snow faced a difficult decision. He had tried his best to find an excellent speaker for commencement, but after they all turned him down, he could think of no other candidates. He was emotionally distraught, and even took a few days off work to recover from his disappointment. President Snow’s depression ended abruptly, when he had a life-altering epiphany while spending time in the rocking chairs on the front porch of Cracker Barrell. He suddenly realized, “I’m honest. I’m interesting. I’m accredited. Heck, I’m even spectacular!”
President Snow was giddy; why hadn’t he thought of this grand idea before? Of course! He was the great candidate he had been searching for all along. Why had he even spent time looking for another candidate when clearly he was the ideal choice?
As students learned of President Snow’s magnificent act of self-sacrifice they were so pleased that they began celebrating by burning couches in the Quad. One student even created a t-shirt design commemorating the event. Students weren’t even concerned that Michelle Obama had turned them down. One such student commented, “I’ll take President Snow over Michelle Obama any day.”
When the day of commencement finally arrived, the students were so overcome by their president’s graciousness that they decided to do away with commencement entirely. Rather than celebrate their own accomplishments, the students thought it best to honor President Snow and his many years of service to the college.
And if you don’t know, now you know, Tigas.