By JONATHAN KAYS
The game was intense; conjectures, analogies, metaphors, consumeristic accusations all ricocheted about me as I dodged and weaved to avoid the issues a strange man with a mustache was nagging about on stage. The action was bitter and incredibly difficult. At one point, I was forced to join with my fellow pure-bloods in the search of shoes on Pinterest to ward off the great guilt the horrible man on stage threw at us in his talk of “intentionality.”
I was nearly hit.
At the fifteen– minute mark things were looking grim. The explanation of the Skinner experiment box had me almost intrigued and I even looked up from my Instagram account for a moment. Thankfully, at that exact instance I saw a tweet from Chris, a UK baseball player, talking about his weekend plans at Two Keys. #thankGodIdonthavetolisten.
I wasn’t entirely sure what the mustached man meant by the “effects of advertising,” but soon after I was suddenly giving all of my attention. The mustached man continued to talk, but all I could make out were two scantily clad women and a hamburger #supermegafoxyawesomehot.
There was a strange feeling in the room when I was in there. Through half-squinted eyes, a bit tired from my day of tumblr, I could see that the people around me were…interested.
It was nerve racking, and made me uncomfortable.
I felt an overwhelming need for a Taco-Cell Crunch Wrap Supreme and immediately texted my friend sitting next to me to snap chat our friend a few rows up a picture of herself, asking for her to call her boyfriend so that we could use his Mustang to get T-Bell right before class, as the Caf is always disgusting.
Near the end of the speech on rats, or whatever it was that the mustache man was talking about, I had already bought a nice pair of tasseled boots from Aldo online, and was looking at cool belts when suddenly everyone in the room laughed. Apparently there had been a joke, though I wasn’t sure, the man on stage was calling someone a horrible name and then discussing something about that person’s ideas on “rationalism” #notsurewhatsgoingon.
Thankfully it ended soon after, I had survived the day, and would soon be getting new boots.
Someone told me later that the talk was the Cawthorne Lecture about the “ethics of consumerism,” and while I’m not entirely sure what that is, it sounds nice.