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Give a hoot!

By JONATHAN KAYS
Contributing Writer

So, today I decided to give up on caring; I will give zero copulations, zero fornications and not a single coitus. My plan is to be as indifferent, unfeeling, lukewarm, inflexible and as blasé as I can.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I still plan on talking about things. The ladies love it when I make myself sound caring and compassionate speaking of orphans in Guatemala, or pretending to be a radical environmentalist fighting the CAFOs and the use of pesticides. And don’t even get me started on trafficking, I am more than happy to sit down and talk about it with you over a nice candlelit dinner, a 95 Chateau Valandraud Pinot Noir, floating lanterns and a bit of Marvin Gaye. Later in the night I could whisper in your ear sweet condemnations of child soldiers in the Sahel.

You’re hot and bothered right now I can tell.

However, I have decided most thoroughly and resolutely that I don’t want to actually do anything, and if I don’t want to actually do anything, then I really must stop caring.
You see, if I actually cared about things, I would have to….you know, do things. Change some of my habits, be intentional about what I was a part of, and the things that I bought. I might even have to change the way I spoke.

You zoned out just now.

If you were skimming already then you most definitely skipped that entire paragraph.

Why?

In our society we are practically cudgeled with causes for us to care about. Commercials with sad puppies romp playfully through our nightmares, small children with swollen bellies stare deeply into our souls. And then those freaking environmentalists who keep stealing our meat every Monday! We’ve been shellacked by revolution, walloped by justice and napalmed by cause. How would someone actually expect us to act with all this pressure?!

Obviously, the answer is to do nothing.

There are only a couple of things that I have time in my schedule to do right now. Gym everyday, meeting on Monday night, accounting homework, and I’m trying to work my way through the fourth season of “How I met Your Mother,” sooo…I really don’t have time for anything else at this point in my life. Plus, I have really really funny slave jokes. If I had to get rid of them, I’m not sure what I would do.

Therefore, I have chosen the most logical course of action, to do nothing.

Now, if I cared about things, if things outside of my own tiny bubble were of even the slightest significance, if I considered someone’s life to be of importance AT ALL, then I would act. I wouldn’t sit around drinking beer watching Sports Center, I wouldn’t waste air talking about how como la mierda the college was. I would be moving, acting, trying to change things, being intentional in my words, being intentional in my relationships. If I actually cared, then I would be working for others rather than just myself.