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Student offers a “modest proposal” on dealing with illegal immigration in America

By JONATHAN KAYS
Staff Writer

Many of you may have noticed the several fire alarms that went off in the Caf on Monday, the many students milling about the front of the Student Center pining and whimpering to be let back in to the land of milk and honey that is our Caf. What was the cause of all the disturbance, you may ask? Well I’ll tell you.
Illegals.

Yes, I have it on good word that 20 illegal immigrants came in on one pick-up-truck, stole the steam system beneath The Caf and then proceeded to sell drugs to the young high schoolers walking past the Grille.
As a nation of freedom, liberty and tolerance we cannot stand for such acts.

Illegal immigration is higher than ever, border crossings have increased ten-fold and now illegals are stealing the drug trafficking routes right from under our poor noses. This must be stopped. My great grandfather didn’t move his life and family and travel 4,000 miles over the Atlantic in the 1800s to find a land full of immigrants. He did it because he killed a man in Ireland.

Something must be done about the illegal workers taking our jobs, but what? Immigrant workers pick our fruits and vegetables, so the obvious answer of course is to stop eating fruits and vegetables. But it’s more than that: I want my fruits picked by Americans. The exciting career of a seasonal migrant field worker that Americans are clambering to be part of has been closed off to us. Who cares if we want more pay, fewer hours, better conditions and dental insurance? We deserve it. What do you think we would do? Work 10-hour days bending over in the hot sun for 20 dollars a week? Oh, heck no…

Some may remember the law put forth in Arizona in 2010 giving the police more power to stop the slithering serpents of immigration from sliding through the cracks in our Great Wall of Freedom. Now, like most members of Congress and many Georgetown students, I didn’t read it; however, I know that the law in its essence truly upholds the Christian values that we as Americans hold deep in our hearts.

These horrible goblins that are snatching our people up— our kids, our wives—they must be stopped, expelled from our great nation in order to bring about peace. Though, I do believe we may, if pressured, allow for some to stay on extenuating circumstances. It is a general consensus that Fu-jitas and k-sa-dilas are delicious… and Mario Forticinni down the street is just unable to make them correctly, which is strange to me, as he looks just like some of those illegals at “Mi Mexico.”

Regardless, I believe most seriously that the only way to save our jobs, to better our nation and to expel the thievery and drug use that has infested our great land of freedom, liberty, guns and Big Macs is the immediate expulsion of all illegals.

By the way, this was a satire.  If you don’t know what this means, read a book.